“If you don’t orgasm, it’s not sex.”
“You guys didn’t cum?”
“But what happened after the kissing and cuddling?”
These are some of the most common refrains proponents of Karezza hear, particularly when they try to expound that their idea of what is truly “orgasmic” has nothing to do with ejaculation or orifices. How do you explain to your partner that being cuddled to sleep and indulging in passionate foreplay is all you need to “finish”? You are not alone in wanting the kind of sex that does not tick the traditional markers of what intercourse should be like—here’s where Karezza comes in.
ALWAYS COMMUNICATE!
They say there is nothing like over-communication, particularly when it comes to having sex. As with any technique, consent must be dynamic in Karezza too: always ask, keep asking and keep understanding. Dr. Nive Manokaran, a dermatologist and venereologist from India and a sexual and reproductive health clinician in Sydney, believes that “consent shows that you respect your partner and respect itself can be arousing.” Many might not understand body language and may expect verbal communication. “If you feel like your partner has not understood physical cues, it’s important to communicate openly, expressing your needs and wants. At the same time, be ready to accept their reaction.”
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO END IN SEX
Considering the mainstream ideas of what sex should ideally look like—which is heavily influenced by pop culture and porn—it can become near-impossible to understand sex beyond grunting and penetration. Dr. Manokaran believes that in order to have good sex, you must first be comfortable with each other’s vulnerable selves. “Being able to look into someone’s eyes is probably an act of caressing even before you touch them,” she says. “Unwinding after a long day by cuddling with our partner under a warm, cosy blanket and stroking their forehead or ears are probably some of the perfect ways to begin or end a night.” She adds that Karezza doesn’t necessarily need to end in sex, but it can be one of the most passionate, intimate and amazing experiences you have as “the emotional connection developed during caressing lasts a lifetime.”
UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER’S LOVE LANGUAGE!
Dr. Manokaran says that when it comes to Karezza, we often take it for granted that our partner also subscribes to the same principles of pleasure. Maybe their idea of intimacy does indeed involve penetration, and if that is the case, there is no point in shaming them or making them feel guilty for their approach to sex. “Sometimes, caressing may be overbearing for some, especially for those whose love language does not involve touching. Sex can then turn very one-sided, so always give your partner the space to be themselves.”
